The Aftermath of Loss

Losing my baby affected everything and everyone around me—especially myself. My body, mind, and soul feel completely shredded. Even though I’m surrounded by loving people who care, I’m also surrounded by people who could honestly give two craps about me.

I constantly think about the what ifs. I guess that’s just natural. Every time I open Instagram, someone I follow is announcing a pregnancy or the birth of their baby. Maybe I need to stay off social media for a while. But it’s not just social media.

Every time I get sad or upset, my son is the very first thing I think about. Then I begin to cry, and I’m instantly reminded all over again. I don’t cry because of the situation itself—I cry because I don’t feel whole. A part of me is gone forever, and I will never get it back. I think about my loss, and the tears just come. I feel like an emotional rollercoaster.

It goes on and on and on…

This situation has changed me forever—as a person, as a wife, as a sister, as a friend, as a daughter… as everything. It pisses me off when the people closest to me don’t even recognize my pain. I am a wreck, yet I still try to be strong. I try to be strong for those around me and for the other women who are going through the same thing.

No matter how much I smile, laugh, or joke, please remember this: I am hurting inside. The pain that seems unreal or unbearable to you is real to me. And even though I know I’m not alone, it often feels that way. That doesn’t make the pain hurt any less.

To all my angel moms reading my blog—thank you for your support. Please keep pushing and stay strong. You are not alone. I, too, am a grieving volcano waiting to erupt at any moment. Hang in there.

I can’t tell you that it gets better, because it hasn’t gotten better for me. But I do know that some days are better than others.

Thanks,
Mrs. Goodwin