My Nephew Was Just Born, But I’m Not Sure How I’m Suppose To Feel

Experiencing Loss / Sunday, March 25th, 2018

My Nephew Was Just Born, But I’m Not Sure How I’m Suppose To Feel

I am excited to announce the birth of my baby nephew, Zy’ahir. However, right now I’m trying to figure out how I’m suppose to feel. I’m not really sure how I’m suppose to feel. I am so happy for my sister, Ashley, and glad she delivered a healthy baby. At the same time, I am saddened that I didn’t get to bring home my bundle of joy.

You see, I was there for her brith. I was also there through most of her ups and downs. While laboring, she was told she would need to have a c-section because she wasn’t making anymore progress. She refused to sign the paper (the forms giving the doctors permission to perform the c-section) for sometime before realizing this was the only way for her to deliver her unborn son.

I thank God for allowing me to be there for her at this time. She was in distraught learning that she could only have one person in there with her. She chose ME! I was so happy and nervous at the same time. When the doctors pulled him out, tears immediately ran down my face. Carrying life and bringing life in this world is the best thing in the world, HANDS DOWN!

My sister and I was pregnant at the same time. I was exactly two-weeks after her. My mother was suppose to have two grand-babies born around the same time. Unfortunately, she only gets the blessing of one grand-baby. I always wonder how she feels about losing a grandchild. Sometimes I wonder if people even remember we lost a baby.

My sister has two boys now. My nephew, Reshardius, is 7-years old. I love him so much. Everyone always says he looks like he could be my child. He’s getting so big now and growing up so fast. This is why I love coming back home, so I can see how much he has learned.

The Game Changer…

So, how do I feel about all of this? I feel hurt and happy at the same time. I guess this is normal. Its hard to understand. I can’t quite grasp the situation I am in. My baby nephew is so handsome. I can’t even imagine how my baby boy would’ve looked. All I know is he looked just like his father.

I constantly stare at my nephew. And I constantly find myself staring at my sister wishing it was me holding my baby. I wish everything would’ve happened as planned but it didn’t. So I am sitting here right now thinking about how I am suppose to feel. Am I suppose to feel happy, sad, mad, jealous, or okay? Is it wrong to be a little jealous?

My nephew was born on March 12th. My stillbirth was on November 12th. In addition, my father-in-law passed December 12th. And my great-grandfather-in-law passed away the day before the birth of my nephew. WHAT IS GOING ON? With millions of thoughts running through my head, I just can’t seem to get past this one. I guess it might just take some time. Will I always look at my nephew and think about baby Goodwin? I guess only time will tell.

Please leave me a comment if you’ve experienced the same thing. It doesn’t matter if you were pregnant at the same time with your sister, it could’ve been a friend, a relative, or someone you met with the same due date. Please let me know how you felt and tell me how you dealt with your feelings.

I appreciate those of you who consistently read my blog posts. Thank you so much. Please continue to keep us in your prayers.

With love,

Mrs. Goodwin


25 Replies to “My Nephew Was Just Born, But I’m Not Sure How I’m Suppose To Feel”

  1. Oh girl, I know exactly what you are going through. We lost our precious girl at 23 weeks. She was in the NICU for 3 days and passed. I had a few friends who were pregnant at the same time as me and one whose baby was born a few weeks after ours. It’s so hard. You’re SO happy for them but also so sad that you can’t share the complete joy. When I hear birth announcements now I’m happy but scared
    for them because now we know that anything can happen at any moment. I’ve been following your story because our lives changed within a few weeks of each other. I’m finally 5 months later able to look at my friends babies and see the posts about being a new mom. Keep sharing your journey because it’s so helpful to others who have gone through it too. I wish nothing but the best for you on your journey ❤️. God bless.

  2. Hi. I am so very sorry for your loss. I think it’s okay to not be okay and to be jealous and upset along with happy for your sisters blessing. I was not as far along as you and your husband but my husband and I have suffered 3 miscarriages while trying to bring our first child into this world. So Many of my friends have brought healthy babies into this world during the same time. It’s really hard for me to not to be sad or jealous. I’m sad for my husband and I but happy for them. It’s weird. But I think it’s normal. We are currently pregnant with our 4th child, in hopes to actually welcome our first into this world and bring home. I truly hope you and your husband make it through this and are able to welcome and bring home a healthy baby.

  3. I want to thank you for being so open about this. I am somewhat in the same position. My son Hunter was born still 7/17/17. He was born at 39.5 completely unexplained. “Just one of those things” about a week later my sister and her newly wed husband found out they are pregnant with their first child. To say I was jealous was an understatement. She’s full of life and I just held my dead baby in my arms. Now here we are months later. She’s due any day. I dont Know how to feel either. I am now 22 weeks pregnant and still struggle so emmensly. Maybe more now then before getting pregnant. (Pregnancy after loss is a bitch. You’re excited, terrified,grateful, anxious, a little embarrassed, and stressed all at the same time). I’m not sure I have the strength you had. To be there that involved. When I was pregnant with hunter I was pregnant with my best friend in the world. Due a month behind her. She walked away with a baby and I walked away with empty arms.
    Thank you for sharing. I look Forward to more of your posts.

  4. The only thing I can say is I know exactly how you feel. A couple weeks after I had a miscarriage my little sister informed me she was pregnant and had been keeping it a secret. I wanted to be mad but I could only be happy because I knew how happy my sister was with her new found love and happiness with her boyfriend. I literally cried every second of the day. I cried in the shower. I cried when I saw a baby. I cried when I laid in the bed at night. I constantly asked God to just make me comfortable during this time because I knew that emotionally I never felt this lonely. I felt like there was nothing anyone could do or say to mend my heart. It’s been a little over 5 months and I feel like everything is a little better. Yesterday my husband and I were at dinner and at the end of his prayer I randomly said, “Please bless us with a child”. I guess it hit him that I hadnt talked about it in a while because he said, “I hadn’t heard you stress/talk about that in a while”. It also hit me that I wasnt healed yet. Because that same hurt came back again.

    My sister is due May 21. So, my nephew will be here soon. I pray everyday for the safe arrival of my nephew all while praying that God blesses me with a healthy child very soon. They say that time heals all wounds but I think there are some wounds that always have a way of being touched and that memory/feeling of heartbreak returns. During these past few months I have talked to woman who had a miscarriage and went on to have children but they have expressed that they sill never forget that they still once had “one other child”.

    I pray that you have your miracle baby soon. 😘

  5. This is very normal, don’t feel guilty. You sound like such a good sister! I had four pregnancy losses and the third one happened when my coworker was pregnant and I couldn’t even go to her baby shower, I felt terrible. I’m finally pregnant again and the feelings are better but the pain of being a loss mom is still there for me. I’ll never feel like pregnancy is easy and worry free.

  6. I know how this feels because me and my sister were pregnant at the same time. She had her son in June of last year and my due date was January of this year. Our sweet angel was born early in September and lived for 12 days. So seeing her with my nephew makes me happy and sad at the same time. We had talked about raising our boys together and it just hurts that I don’t get to have my baby here with me. At one time she was sending group pics every other day to the family and I had to tell my mom to ask her to stop because it was just hard for me because my sweet baby wasn’t here. I love my nephew and my sister but it’s hard some days. So I totally understand how you feel.

  7. It’s completely y understandable for you to feel the way you do about Zy’ahir, And wishing it was you holding your son. You will have your rainbow baby! I hope you’re doing well 💛

  8. I’m going through the same thing. My cervix failed the week before yours, costing us our son. My brother and his wife will bring their daughter home any day now and I’m happy for them and dreading it all at the same time. Everything they will celebrate, we will mourn and think “That should have been us.” They seem oblivious to our grief, which only adds to our sadness.

  9. Hey Ms.Lady,

    I’ve sent you a couple of messages on stillbirth and the loss that I felt.

    Everything that you’re feeling and experiencing is quite normal and I was there too!!

    It’s not a selfish thought to wonder and want our little boys.😭😭 My son died February 5, 2013 and I often wonder what he would be like and how I missed out on his life.
    Like I stated before, the pain and hurt never go away, but it gets easier. You and your hubby will be blessed again, it will happen.

    When you do get pregnant again, your nerves and anxiety will be on 100!! You just have to trust in the Lord and as the good book says, “He will renew our strength!!” It will be hard to relax and enjoy the pregnancy, but you will get through it.

    I know that we are complete strangers, you’re in the USA and me in Halifax, Canada, but we have a bond in our loss.

    Take care and God Bless you always.


  10. Morgan,

    I admire your strength in this whole situation. You are truly amazing and a blessing to many women. I’ve never experienced what you have and are experiencing, but I want to encourage you to continue to just be present and acknowledge your emotions. We serve an amazing God and he hasn’t forgotten about you I promise. Everything has its purpose. I pray that you continue to have the strength to make it through this.

    Sending Love your way,
    Jazmon A.

  11. I love you sharing your story, and your honesty. although i have not experienced a loss myself, I had a dear coworker pregnant with twins and lost one of them at work in the bathroom. She had four boys and the twins were a girl and boy. She lost the girl. Our hearts hurt for her, I could see the look on her face as they wheeled her out. So much pain in her loss. Be a great aunt like you are already and don’t even think about getting pregnant, it will happen when you least expect it just watch. Your stress level and anxiety and emotional issues are high right now, So relax and focus on you and all you guys do. You guys will be blessed and maybe blessed with twins!! 💕

  12. You should feel like you feel. Don’t feel guilty for feeling jealous, sad, resentful, that’s all normal. My friend is going through something similar she lost her baby the 2nd week of November and should be delivering him now. She’s devastated and not looking forward to a happy week. But she’ll keep going, and hopes that time will heal. 🌈💕🌈

  13. Sweety, I’ve been there. My best friend and I were pregnant at the same time. We were 3 weeks apart. I lost my baby due to an incompetent cervix at 26 weeks. After she had her baby I was happy for her. This was her first baby (where as this would have been my 3rd) and because I loved her I tried to be there but it was hard. It took some time (maybe a year or so) before the thought of my baby didn’t cross my mind. It gets easier with time, but worth every milestone you’ll think about it. First birthday, starting school, turning 16, graduating from school. Your mind is going to drift to your baby and wonder what could have been but it’ll get easier to deal with but losing a child always stays with you.
    Keep praying and moving forward, and I’ll be praying for you to.
    Love you,
    Lynn (Lexi’s mom)

  14. Omg I totally understand how u felt/feel. Reading this brought tears to my eye, certainly bc I was/am a first time mother who didn’t bring home her son. I had a cousin that I was pregnant with she was 2 months ahead of me. Attending her baby shower & going to see her and baby at the hospital was very hard. At the same time I was happy for her becoming a first time mom and having her own family. I had to understand that God makes NO mistakes and he needed our boy more than we did. Also I wouldn’t call it being jealous or anything bc God blessed me just like he did her, but for some reason needed my child a little more. Can’t envy someone’s blessing cause I know God is still blessing me through every day life. I’m still hopefully that God will bless me again with the chance of carrying another child and bring my rainbow 🌈baby home. Trust in him & keep your faith, he will bless you and your husband once again!(fun fact) My fav. number is 7. Due date was Dec.7th😊 had him Aug.7th😍 Fav. Color is lime green💚 August birthstone is lime green😍💚 ALL GODS WORK🤗🙌 -Shaneika E. ❤💙

  15. Hi Morgan,

    I really can’t even explain to you the heartache I have also felt, my sister Ashley has had 3 children and we were pregnant at the same time with TWO of them. I lost all 3 of my babies due to IC. Not only to experience that with your sibling but just everyday people, your friends or whoever. It is so hard to see them beinf able to effortlessly carry a child to FUll term and your struggling to just get one, its hard to be “happy” for them, because you feel so sad for yourself. Its such a weird place to be. It feels like your beinf tortured over and over again…anyways, im thinking of you!

  16. No it’s not wrong to feel jealous even mad. You lost your precious baby boy. God doesn’t make any mistakes. You will have your turn in the near future. I pray it will be a great experience for you.

  17. This is an amazing post. I think that there are many women who experience these feelings, but fear speaking them out loud. I think that jealousy, envy, and sadness are completely normal in this circumstance. It is completely possible to be happy for someone else and also wonder “What about me?”. There is no ‘right’ amount of time to grieve. Continue to journal (blog) your experience, let those who love you continue to pour into you, and, most importantly, understand that it’s okay to feel how you feel. Sending you wishes for peace.

  18. I have been there. I lost my son at birth 18 years ago. He was full term. You will always wonder and feel that way. My best friend had her baby, a boy two years later. I was in the hospital with her and made it to my car in time to call my sister in tears. But, four years later I had my rainbow baby. I absolutely adore her but I still think of my son. Only now it’s not as painful. Time does heal and you will not feel as confused or envious. It’s healthy and normal to want your baby too. One day you will hold your rainbow baby. Peace and strength.

  19. Everything happens for a reason, you should be very happy that your sister had a healthy baby and everything went alright because you don’t want her feeling the same way as you. Although it may be hard that you don’t have your little one with you today and she does, you should be there for her as much as you can and support her as it were your own baby. And you losing your baby you should be sad there’s nothing wrong with sad, and if you need to cry, cry to yourself it always relieves some of the pain that’s inside of you from that. And baby Goodwin will always be with you, although you had to say the hardest goodbyes to him and let him go. God has a plan for everyone, just follow the path he leads you..

  20. Hi 👋 my name is Cintian Espinoza. I know what your going through with all these thoughts 💭 in your mind. Let me tell you my story. After 12 years of trying to conceive. In January of 2017 I had a positive pregnancy test. I was full of happiness. Two weeks after I found out I was pregnant. My brother gives us the news that his girlfriend and him are expecting too. Everything was going well. Until April 14, 2017 I had an appointment with my OB/ GYN Doctor. She came in to check on me starting with an ultrasound to check in my baby. While she was doing the ultrasound I could see her face expression and I ask the Doctor if everything was fine. She turns and looks at me and tells me I’m sorry but we don’t have a heartbeat. At that moment everything collapsed. It was the worst day of my life. It was a baby boy! I was okay I could say. Seen my sister in law with her big stomach. Did bring me jealousy. But it hit me when her baby was born on October cause that same month my baby boy was going to be born. I did had jealousy, anger, happiness, joy and etc. But that could of been me giving birth to my first child. Like you said all these thoughts going in and out of our mind. But what I did understand was that after every storm their is a Blessing. God has a purpose in our lives. And he only knows why he gives us these tribulations to happen to us. What really help me to go through my grieve was Prayers. And never give up on Faith cause soon you will be blessed with your Rainbow 🌈 Baby 👶. I will be praying for you. God Bless You.

  21. I totally understand where you coming from I just lost my bundle of joy 4 weeks ago I was 21 weeks when I went in for my anatomy scan where they told us there was no longer a heartbeat, I can’t even begin to explain the pain and the agony to learn my baby boy had passed when he was supposed to be healthy, until today the doctors cannot tell me why my baby passed, they couldn’t find out why, even the autopsy results didn’t reveal anything, I’m so sad and broken and can’t believe my bsby is gone today I should of have been 25 weeks and 2 days it’s killing me to know my baby boy died 😢😢☹️

  22. Its Completely Normal! My sister and I were due a month apart, I had my son prematurely early August and he passed away a short time after that. My sister had her daughter full term in December. It was a huge roller coaster of emotions which still to this day, I can’t fully explain. It took me about a month to go and meet my niece for the first time, and we as a family had a nice cry together. My niece is 3 months old and every time I see and hold her I think of my son and daze off picturing my son in my arms. I completely feel what you are saying and this is one of the hardest things for people to understand. We love our nieces and nephew’s with all our hearts, but a piece of our heart is in heaven, forever. Hang in there, we can do this together. I feel the same EXACT way.

  23. ❤️It’s so hard to be where you are now. I can personally say it didn’t really get better for me, in that sense, until we had our rainbow baby last May. Up until then I was begged about every new pregnancy, birth, etc.. I didn’t want to be so I carried guilt about that too, it just happened so naturally. It’s so crappy to say, but once you get your rainbow baby you’ll feel a whole bunch of new feelings, but that envy, jealousy, bitterness, whatever we want to call it, will fade. But you’ll still shake your head at people when you feel they don’t understand how lucky they are to have those babies. Also, I just woke doubt, physical activity, lots of it and intense lol, to burn the rage energy or whatever

  24. I just got home from the hospital. My sister had a beautiful healthy baby boy. He is perfect. He is everything I almost had. I too don’t know how to feel. Jealousy feels wrong but it’s the closest I can get for naming what I do feel. I love my nephew already. But I can’t help but envy her and her husband. I can’t help but wish me and my fiancé had gotten to experience the joy of hearing our baby’s first crys.

    1. Try not to envy them and just be happy for them. Try not to hold hate in your heart because of what happened to you. I know its hard and it hurts. But envy and jealousy is sinful. Blessings come to those who wait. I haven’t gotten my happy ending but I am more blessed than ever. You will get the experience of hearing your baby’s first cry, just don’t ever give up.

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