Still Fresh… Coping with Incompetent Cervix


Experiencing Loss / Tuesday, December 12th, 2017

It seems like it was just yesterday when I lost my baby boy due to an incompetent cervix. My pregnancy was going great, as far as I had known. I had no morning sickness, no aches besides my itchy growing belly, and my baby was healthy. I had my anatomy scan done at 19 weeks 0 days, which is when my pregnancy turned from going great to going completely wrong.

At my 19-week scan, as they were measuring my baby and checking his heart and brain development, I was nervous and scared but the sonographer said everything looked great. HOWEVER, when she checked my cervix she got a little quiet. Before she did the transvaginal ultrasound of my cervix, two other women came into the room. One was a doctor and the other woman was an assistant.

The doctor started asking me all types of questions, which is when I knew something wasn’t quite right. “Did you have any bleeding or discharge?” “Have you been feeling any contractions?” “Have you had any menstrual cramps?” The answer was NO! I am scared out of my mind at this point. She then said, “the reason I am asking these question is because while measuring your cervix I noticed that your cervix has shortened.”

I had to make a quick decision to save my baby’s life. Either I can just do nothing or have a rescue cerclage put in immediately followed by progesterone suppositories. I chose to get the rescue cerclage to keep my baby inside of me. I also heard about the cerclage and how it helps other women. Before I could get the cerclage, I had to have amniocentesis (a procedure where the doctor retrieves some of the baby’s amniotic fluid using a needle) first to make sure I didn’t have any infections before they placed the cerclage. Lucky for me, I didn’t have any infection, so I checked myself into the hospital that night and had the procedure done in the morning.

Everything was going great after the surgery, until I woke up three days later to a big gush of mucus and then I started leaking. I freaked out and told my husband to take me to the hospital. We got to the hospital, they checked the fluid that was leaking, and told me they had to remove the cerclage because of increased risk of infection. At this point, I still had high hopes.

After the stitch was removed, my high-risk doctor came in and told me I have two options. I can take medication to induce labor or I can try bedrest and hope to make it to 23 weeks. Once I hit 23 weeks I can check myself into the hospital and stay until I deliver. I chose to go home on bedrest and pray that my baby would stay inside of me. They saw no contractions after monitoring me and sent me on my merry way back home.

Later that same evening, I went to the bathroom to take a bowel movement. My husband came with me because I was so scared of pushing the baby out by accident. I didn’t push or anything because I was afraid of my baby coming out of me. Low and behold, after finishing my bowel movement, I started feeling something come out of my vagina. IT WAS MY SAC!

We immediately called my doctor and 911; this was around 10pm. Help arrived at my apartment within 5 minutes. I was still sitting on the toilet with my sac bulging out, surrounded by several firefighters and EMT men asking me a thousand questions. They loaded me up on the stretcher and we made our way to the hospital. They wheeled me to L&D (Labor & Delivery) where I met up with the same doctor who removed my cerclage.

Only this time I had only one option; I had to deliver my baby. I was broken at this point. The doctor explained that since my bag was out in the open I could catch a really bad infection that could potentially lead to my uterus being taken out all together. The only option was to deliver my baby even though he wasn’t viable. Just let that soak in a little. Just imagine yourself knowing that your baby that’s still healthy and kicking inside of you, won’t have a chance of survival once you deliver him.

I was already 2 cm dilated which is why my sac was sliding out of me. They ended up giving me medication to induce labor around 11pm. My husband and I, laid in the bed and tried to get some rest because he had a game that next day. As contractions got worse and worse, I asked for pain medicine every hour. My contractions kept waking me up. I had a dose at 1am and then 2am. Around 3am I woke up again, and asked if I could get the epidural at this point. By this time, it was too late.

My contractions began to slowly push my baby out. I didn’t even get a chance to push, I wasn’t trying to push because I was scared. I screamed to my husband and nurse, “what’s coming out, I feel something in between my legs!” I ended up having another contraction and my husband said, “I see our baby’s legs.” The doctor came in just in time before my next contraction. I was having contractions every 2 minutes but lasted for a whole minute. The doctor then said, “just try and give me a big push.”

I pushed and I felt a big gush of everything falling out of me. At that point, I knew my baby had been born and now DEAD; I gave birth to our son at 3:52am on Sunday, November 12, 2017. My husband and I watched the doctor cut open my sac and our son’s umbilical cord. They cleaned him off and gave him back to us. At that moment, even though a very traumatic experience, I felt that joy of holding my baby after giving birth. I was happy but also devastated, but my happiness took over at that point.

“We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed” (Corinthians 4:8-9). 

Our son looked just like his father, all the way. He had his forehead, nose, mouth, lips, fingers, and toes. I couldn’t do nothing but smile. I was able to keep him with me until I discharged that Sunday night. Hubby had a game the same day I gave birth, and I convinced him to play so that me and Baby Goodwin can watch him play. To our surprise, my hubby scored his first touchdown of the season and his team won their first game of the season. The San Francisco 49ers hadn’t won a game yet. With all the sadness, there was peace in it all.

I believe it was a blessing and a curse to feel baby movements around 16 weeks. For a first time mom, thats pretty early to feel anything. I wonder if I never felt his movements, would I be as hurt as I am today. I thought I was super lucky, but I ended up getting the short end of the stick. Right now, I am just trying to be positive about everything. I know that God is behind me 100 percent and I still have faith. I will soon have my rainbow baby one day.

Right now, if you’re reading our story, please continue to pray for us. And thank you to those who have been keeping us I your prayers and thanks to my IC (Incompetent Cervix) sisters for the support.

With Love,
Mrs. Goodwin

 

15 Replies to “Still Fresh… Coping with Incompetent Cervix”

  1. I can’t imagine how you and marquise felt going through this. I hope and pray you two find comfort and know baby Goodwin will always be apart of you. Love you morgan 💛

  2. Wow, I read this entire post and it was extremely powerful. God definitely doesn’t give us more than we can handle and you are undoubtly a strong woman. Praying for your family and future❤️

  3. My cousin recently loss her baby boy and I love that you made this blog because I think this will really help her to not feel alone in this time of her loss. Even though it is a sad topic I just think it’s such a nice thing to be able to relate. I definitely will be recommending your blog to her. As always you and your family will always be in my prayers, God is the almighty and he will bless you with so many more things in you and your husband’s lives just like he did for Job.🙏🙌💕

  4. Know that you are not alone, we too have walked this difficult road. I lost my beautiful daughter at 23 weeks born too soon. Thank you for being so open and honest about your journey. I struggle to understand why this has happened to us but i do still believe God has a plan for all of us mothers with angels. Sending you strength and healing vibes as you begin this new chapter. May god bless you.

  5. My heart goes out to you two. Im glad you guys were able to begin recovery from such a unexpected devestation. Your a strong child of God clearly so continue to trust his timing and his plan. The reason the Bible tells us God will never leave or forsake us is because he krew we would need that comfirmation because Life get so hard sometimes that we forget his promises to us. Looking forward to your future gains.

    Blessings to you guys
    XoXo Turquoise

  6. I lost my son on 11/9. It’s like you’re reading my story right back to me. It all started the same as yours and ended the same way. Thank you for being so open and also giving moms like us an opportunity to see we are not alone. One day, God willing we will have our angel babies.

  7. Thank you for sharing Morgan. Stay strong as I’m sure you will! Whenever I’m feeling a certain way I say to myself “God’s got me” & that gives me all the assurance I need to keep my head up high and not doubt his plans.

  8. Hi I didnt initially know you or your husband, I came across your story on enews and followed you on ig. I needed to read this story of hope because I lost my twins in November too, nov 7 due to incompetent cervix at 22 weeks. I had the Cerclage also but lossed my babies for the same reason my sac was ruptured and sliding out. I could not deal with the fact they were born with heartbeats and I just had to sit there and wait it out. No one should have to go through what we have.

    You’re so much stronger than me because for me there was no happiness that day, how did you find peace ? There is such an emptiness I’m still struggling with this and traumatized by the labour experience.

    I’ve been obsessively reading about incompetent cervix trying to be more informed for next time to hopefully have a rainbow baby. I joined a Facebook group that has a bic IC community which is nice, thanks for the hope and I know we’ll have our rainbow babies soon 💛

    1. I found happiness because I had the Lord on my side. I didn’t know what was to come. All I knew was that I lost my baby and there was nothing I could do about it. Prayer helped, especially with my pastor in my ear. I was thankful to be alive because labor can sometimes cause death. I was also thankful for not having my uterus ruptured. This would’ve caused me to not have kids at all. You always have to look at the bright side. There were plenty of things that could’ve gone wrong, but it didn’t. I really would encourage you to visit the Abbyloopers Facebook page. For twins, there is really no telling if a preventative cerclage would work. From my understanding, the transabdominal cerclage is the best option for us women with incompetent cervix.

  9. I love the blog all together! This post definitely hit hard approaching My twin angel babies birthday. 02•19. I wasn’t quick enough to receive the emergency cerclage but I also was hopeful. Thank you for sharing your story it’s so relatable. Your positivity and uplifting spirit kind of settled my sadness as the day approaches. Praying for you and your husbands strength !!!

  10. I know this feeling all too well! I too had/have an incompetent cervix. We lost our baby girl at 20 wks…”half time”! I had a Drs appt a few days before, then one evening I experienced bleeding, then cramping, then delivery of our 1st child! We were devistated….we could not figure out why we could not have a baby or why did we have to go through this pain…I later learned why not us! We were strong enough to handle it! My husband was amazing throughout my entire post partum depression, etc. But I knew he was hurting as well. Our bond grew stronger and eventually God not only blessed us once but twice with two beautiful baby girls….not to replace our Angel but to let us know it was in His timing….not ours!
    We will continue to pray for you and your family as we know that pain 1st hand!
    Love,
    The Luke’s

  11. I had the same experience. Lost my baby boy this past February. The experience was so traumatic it haunts me today. There was a lot of tears and constant crying. I was 17 weeks when I lost him.

    Now I’m 18 weeks with my second child. The doctors placed a voluntarily cerclage at 14 weeks. I say this to say, there is still hope after an IC. The crazy thing is, is the first time I had no issues at all everything was fine until I just had no other option but to deliver my baby. He was still kicking and his heart was still beating up until his birth.

    I know your pain and if you ever need to talk please don’t hesitate to reach out Morgan.

  12. I know your pain all too well. We just suffered a loss in October. My story is similar in some ways but different too. My water broke at work when I was 18 weeks and 3 days. I was placed in the hospital for 3 days waiting to deliver because I had no fluid left. After three days and antibiotics I was sent home on bedrest where I spent 4 weeks on bedrest right up till 22 weeks and 3 days. I started having really bad pain and bleeding and my husband and I went to the hospital. I was in labor, my sweet son was born on September 26 2017 and passed on October 8, 2017. This has been the hardest pain we have ever had to endure! I’m heart broken and can’t believe this has happened to us. I’m praying for both of you. I’m glad you made a blog to bring awareness.

  13. I am in tears for what you went through and for the courage and strength you have, your son is lucky that God picked you to be his mom. Thank you for sharing your story, so many women go though similar losses but almost no one talks about it. I remember feeling hopeless after kissing our babies and like no one could understand what I was going trough.

    In late 2014 my husband and I were overjoyed to be expecting our first child, as the weeks went by I started to buy gender neutral clothes,we were overjoyed, scared, excited and blessed and then we lost Sky. No one will ever know how crushing the pain of losing a child is unless they have experienced it, till this day it’s hard for me to even think about it and I don’t talk about it often although it is something I will carry with me for the rest of my life.

    In 2015 after trying for months,God blesses us with another baby, this time we told no one until we felt it was safe, everything was going great and on the night of my 28th birthday we lost our second baby. I gave birth in our bathtub, I remember the pain and then just darkness. I questioned God, I questioned everything and wanted to die. My husband was heartbroken but remained strong for me and reminded me every day that God loves me and that he would see us through this second great loss.

    After weeks of anger, sadness and unimaginable pain I began to feel peace. I told my husband that I was ready to move on and that I did not want to try again he understood and respected my decision that affected him too and I will always love him for that. Motherhood was not going to happen for me, I could not survuve losing another child.

    On thanksgiving 2015 I was getting ready for a dinner party, my dad was on my mind that day as he always was – I lost him to cancer on thanksgiving in 2013, he was my best friend. For some reason I started to think about him and how he would have loved to see my children. I was pretty much ready to go and then I stopped and thought maybe this is a sign ( at this point I know I sound crazy and I even laughed about it). I had an old unused digital pregnancy test and I just took it. As I waited the few minutes for the results I started shaking, i can’t explain why or how but I knew my life would change in the next minute.

    I took a deep breath and looked down at the words PREGNANT. I froze, I was in shock and then the the verse that got me through my darkest times came to my mind “be still and know that I am God”. I opened the bathroom door, the same one where I had lost our last baby and walked out feeling peace and told my husband we were going to be parents again.

    My pregnancy was not easy, I spent that Christmas Eve in the hospital due to bleeding and at 10 weeks, I was told that I should expect another miscarriage and that there was to be done. I still remember seeing the blood around his sack and my hear splitting in two. I have never praid so hard in my entire life and today as I sit here sharing my story, I have tears running down my face because next month we will be celebrating my sons second birthday.

    No matter how dark that path you are on may seem or how big the storm, you are strong and there is always room for hope.

    God bless you and I will pray for your miracle.

  14. I am so sorry for your loss and you are doing amazing — may God continue to bless your healing!

    I lost my second child at 9 weeks (that was 9 years ago – wow)! I never knew something could hurt so bad. We told our family early on because I thought if something happened, such as an early miscarriage, it wouldn’t be so traumatic. I was completely wrong! I had seen the ultrasound, watched and heard the heartbeat — I always wondered if I hadn’t seen and heard those things if it would have been less painful! Like you, wondering if you hadn’t felt the movement, would it have been easier. I don’t know but for me no matter what age, that was still a baby — a piece of you (and for me, a piece of me)! I have three beautiful, healthy babies now (two more after my miscarriage) and I still think of the one I lost after all this time. I talk about it with my children and wonder what it would be like. I’m definitely at piece with the loss and praise the Lord for three healthy babies, but just know you will go on to have beautiful children! It’s ok to take your time and it’s ok to think about your angel baby!

    Thank you for sharing your story. It’s comforting! I enjoyed spending this time reminiscing about my little one up in heaven!
    Xoxo,
    Danielle

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